Catholic Church Canonizes iPhone 5sPope Francis definitely NOT endorsing the saintly iPhone5s.
In an unprecedented traditional upturn by the Vatican, the Catholic church has canonized the first artificial intelligence device in history: the iPhone 5s. The Congregation for the Causes of Saints -the committee that oversees determinations of sainthood within the church- had the privilege of testing the beta versions of the sleek, newly released iPhone 5s approximately four weeks ahead of the general public.
Within that time frame, they claim to have exhausted most of the iPhone 5s’ apps and features such as “Facetime”, “Angry Birds”, “Bump”, the “T-Pain Auto-Tuner” and “Vine”. “We were basically, playing games and texting each other like little high school ninnies, ” relates a dignified senior appointee of the Congregation.
Not surprisingly, the church has had their eye on the iPhone for quite some time. But it wasn’t until a handful of promotional new iPhones came along that all requirements for sainthood were fulfilled. The Congregation was wary the device’s candidacy would be seen as a marketing scheme to promote Apple from within. But given that “saints is saints”, the complex process was initiated. For those who may not be familiar with canonization, it is the process by which a potentially holy devout, or subject, is considered for sainthood in the anals of history. And the process, it seems, has very strict requirements:
1) First, the candidate must be deceased for approximately 5 years. The iPhone has never been known to have that problem as the Catholic church typically considers technical devices to be “inert doorstops” and/or “undead tools of the devil- unless they have texting capabilities”. Given that in the real world artificial intelligence is not considered dead or alive, it seems to have met this requirement regardless of the church’s initial apprehension.
2) The Bishop must carry out an investigation as to the life of the candidate. Approval of this inquiry is rewarded with the title of “Servant of God”. Decidedly, the iPhone 5s has been known to live a life of purity and notable service to mankind. One need only take note of the many life-producing sexual encounters ‘sexting’ has had on the lives of people, not to mention the number of abortions avoided due to masturbatory incidents inspired by Siri’s ample speech patterns.
3) An appointed official within the Catholic church must prove the candidate was heroic. Testaments to the candidate’s courageous deeds must be presented to the Congregation for the Causes of Saints. Our sources within the Vatican inform us that the iPhone’s recordings of crimes, and other dubious events, made it an immediate candidate long before the manifestation of the iPhone 5s. It’s whistle-blowing willingness to document, and speak out as a witness against untoward evil, has led to the immediate approval of the Congregation despite the iPhone’s reluctance to record the priestly whistle-blowing of altar boys. Approval of this process is rewarded with the title of “Venerable” or “Venereally Sound”.
4) The candidate must be beautified with a makeover and have performed at least one conciliatory miracle. The iPhone 5s is basically gold and so was Jesus’ jewelry, which immediately qualified the new device for this category.
Secondly, impressed by the ability of the iPhone to “turn on without plastic wires of electricity or the power of the Holy Ghost”, the Vatican considers this feat “one the greatest miracles ever performed” by a candidate.
5) Finally, the candidate must perform yet another miracle after beautification. Although this step in the process may be waived by the presiding pope, the Congregation is confident that upon mysteriously gaining extra tokens on the app “Scramble With Friends”, this requirement will be fulfilled. Otherwise, the fact that the “iPhone is also a flashlight stick” will suffice, according to anonymous church officials.
Saint Apple shyly poses for our cameras.
All in all, it seems that the iPhone 5s has captured the hearts and minds…and spirits of the Vatican who will be holding a public canonization ceremony in March 2014 to honor the newly appointed Saint, along with a small award ceremony commemorating this year’s runner-up nominees: Thomas Merton, Karl Marx and Luther Vandross.
There are also rumors that the event will also signal the long-awaited arrival of the iPhone 5t in honor of the churches mascot, Jesus Christ. The world, it seems, can hardly wait. Our fingers are crossed.
- See more at:
http://nationalreport.net/catholic-church-canonizes-iphone-5s/#sthash.c65ZXtS9.dpufOriginal article: Grann Foster is a journalist, poet and motivational speaker hailing from Silverton, Oregon.
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